limitations

i realize now what i really lack in writing.

one of the most obvious is that i don't have any practice. i'm not extremely discouraged by this, since i'm already trying to catch up anyway. i'm proud to say that a glint of intrinsic skill still shines through in my writing. another obvious one: limited vocabulary. i'm already trying to remedy this by reading more. but i'm still uneasy using words and expressions that i myself rarely use in speaking. i have no intention of sounding too impressive. funnily enough, i am impressed by those who know different expressions and bits of history that make an article more colorful, and i think it's a prerequisite for writing (especially in journalism). i guess i never saw myself as a serious author or journalist, so i never sought ways to be published. i enjoy the activity of writing, but never enough to pursue it to be good enough for distribution (this goes for research too, not just style, structure and vocabulary). that in itself is a problem. to not want to tell a story or share a message to a wider audience is something that must ultimately hinder me in using this blessing. if i only write for cathartic purposes and to express myself to people i already know, i will never be motivated to develop a flexible style and build the credibility necessary for a published writer. no matter how much i read and broaden my knowledge and vocabulary, i will, more or less, still write the way i speak.

the above-mentioned limitation also explains why i cannot stand to workshop my pieces. in my narcissism, i write mostly about myself, and i consider my work too private to share. it's absurd, i know. this even says much about why i'm not prolific - my life isn't exciting enough to produce interesting works. if i don't care about other people's stories, if i have no desire to tell them for someone who cannot express himself, then it's obvious why i'm not a writer! it makes it obvious too why my research is very bad, and why i'm so unimaginative as to not see myself in others often. and it illustrates how selfish i am.

so, for all this selfish, "cathartic" self-expression, i hope this starts a new attitude of inquiry, of a sincere desire to communicate. or else God might consider me a waste of talent.

P.S. this makes me realize how good writers' characters must be. imagine - to be moved and inspired by others' lives, by both rare and mundane phenomena, and to feel the need to share it. they must really be a notch higher. so to all writers out there, i salute you. now i'm convinced this is a journey of self-improvement that i should take.