what really gets me about working here is the fact that aside from doing most of the work around here (events, guestings, servicing, what have you's) is the fact that the company offers no comfort or convenience for all the trouble they cause me.
there is no available vehicle and driver for me and all the luggage they ask me to bring. they refuse to pay for car rentals. i can't take cabs most of the time. they can't give gas money to the artists. they won't even attend any of the events just so the luggage can ride in their respective cars with them. even if they did, they even refuse to wait for anything to be finished so the luggage can ride home with them too.
i sugarcoat replies to artist queries about food and gas money, i am patient with our overbearing tv promoter who complains about his meager fee and his lack of leverage without freebies or envelopes to hand out to his media-friends.
egads, is that it?!?! i ask for little. the artists ask for little. even the overbearing tv promoter would say he asks for little. compounded, it might come out as a lot, but have they no shame? if artists didn't feel indebted at their careers' early stage and if the overbearing tv promoter weren't desperate for money in his old age, they'd probably lose both. and that's probably why they keep losing the bright young things that they hire as adproms. with hardly any benefits, bonuses or increases to look forward to, overtime pay is the biggest luxury that this company has offered me.
oh, what are you to do when circumstances get in the way of a perfectly good, unique and even enviable job?!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
therapy
i tried shopping, i tried some lovin', but nothing seems to work. there goes 5,500 down the drain...
Thursday, June 23, 2005
17 seconds
it's weird how these things suddenly creep up on you. i thought the nightly casual conversation with karl could chase away my blues but then even that didn't work. it's bad enough to entertain thoughts like i'm pinning my happiness on karl, but upon admitting it to him, he has to be perceptive enough to bring forth a host of more disturbing ideas... difficult ones.
what i stammered and cried about through around half an hour turned out to be something like being scared of choosing a life that won't reap me the benefits i'm used to having (the car, the free time, etc.). plus of course, not really know what kind of life i really want to lead. and it's scary because i can't really acknowledge or say for sure that i'm strong enough to make the right and/or difficult choice (is the difficult choice the right one, even?). if i eventually succumb to going through life the same way my parents did, will i delude myself for the rest of my life that it was actually the right/difficult choice? after all, whatever i choose, it speaks volumes about what i value - fulfillment or family, selflessness or vanity, weight or lightness. and i don't even know how to achieve it.
who thinks about these things? who even has time? how could i possibly entertain all these thoughts if i'm at work 1/3 of the day and asleep for another third, and the rest should be bothered with commute, maintenance and other leisure activities i almost refuse to give up? but it is a cause we all have to take up for ourselves. as billy corgan said, 17 seconds is all you really need.
17 seconds of compassion
17 seconds of peace
17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created
17 seconds to remember that all is good
17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain
17 seconds of faith
17 seconds to trust you again
17 seconds of radiance
17 seconds to send up a prayer
17 seconds is all you really need
what i stammered and cried about through around half an hour turned out to be something like being scared of choosing a life that won't reap me the benefits i'm used to having (the car, the free time, etc.). plus of course, not really know what kind of life i really want to lead. and it's scary because i can't really acknowledge or say for sure that i'm strong enough to make the right and/or difficult choice (is the difficult choice the right one, even?). if i eventually succumb to going through life the same way my parents did, will i delude myself for the rest of my life that it was actually the right/difficult choice? after all, whatever i choose, it speaks volumes about what i value - fulfillment or family, selflessness or vanity, weight or lightness. and i don't even know how to achieve it.
who thinks about these things? who even has time? how could i possibly entertain all these thoughts if i'm at work 1/3 of the day and asleep for another third, and the rest should be bothered with commute, maintenance and other leisure activities i almost refuse to give up? but it is a cause we all have to take up for ourselves. as billy corgan said, 17 seconds is all you really need.
17 seconds of compassion
17 seconds of peace
17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created
17 seconds to remember that all is good
17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain
17 seconds of faith
17 seconds to trust you again
17 seconds of radiance
17 seconds to send up a prayer
17 seconds is all you really need
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
the grey waste
it's one (or two or three...) of them sad days when things seem worse than they are and i don't really want to do anything about it. maybe it's reading about the grey waste in the dungeons & dragons player's guide. that's the place where despair is the only emotion left, and all the others get sucked out of you into obelisks called the lodestones of misery. some of those who stay there are actually those whose passion to leave got drained out eventually.
so anyway, i'm arranging a whole mall tour with 7 dates all by myself and i'm lazy and i know i'm going to slave over it without much support from management so i'm thinking 'why bother?'. the answer is just because i'm a control freak and i have a reputation to keep. i'm foreseeing losing all my weekends to the endeavor and suddenly i miss karl too much and i feel like stocking up on sniffies and quality time. aside from that, i know there's not much room to grow in the company, and i have a feeling that shifting to a&r or label division (and in a different company at that) is utterly hopeless or unmanageable due to lack of technical abilityand a lack of opportunity). and i'm sensing like marketing isn't really what i want to do. and i noticed that the industry isn't made for people who get married and have kids. so do i up and leave for the corporate world?
but then even my mum & dad who worked in a corporate setting still had to put in a lot of hours, not being able to come home when i wanted them to be home. my mum was only able to stop after 17 years of tireless working, and probably only because my dad was doing very well with work and investments and stuff. entrepreneurship IS the answer, but my business instincts are up my ass. sometimes i really want to have a stupid job like answering phones or run a business without thinking of profit like my mum who took up dressmaking and some beauty school units and didn't worry about sending us to school or giving us what we wanted every weekend. dad was there, and it was ok even if he was stingy. somehow i feel like i'm not banking on anything financially with karl the writer. he's made it clear that he's going to be the lazy one, and i can't stop him because it's his passion to write and he's good at it, and i love him. but i want to be lazy too! but i don't want my kids to feel deprived, or much worse, to worry about finances when only the parents ought to do that.
i want to feel like i've made it by going around in a car, but i feel like i'm never going to get the courage to drive. i don't want my kids' lungs polluted from the commute. maybe i'll arrive at the point when i can take a cab anytime, but then i don't even want to hassle them with fighting for a ride (think about hailing a taxi on christmas day). and even then, when i can stop commuting altogether, i worry about losing the only exercise i have at the stage when my metabolism is foreseen to come crashing down. i could very well start a fitness regimen, but then i'm too lazy (yes, we've established that several times now). i even worry about commuting in my old age. it's sad and thankless to be old (and possibly widowed) and i think the only consolation is to be treated like a dona. sometimes i even wish i'd die young (or at least first between a couple) but the guilt of leaving people to fend for themselves bothers me. so where did all the passion go? welcome to the grey waste!
so anyway, i'm arranging a whole mall tour with 7 dates all by myself and i'm lazy and i know i'm going to slave over it without much support from management so i'm thinking 'why bother?'. the answer is just because i'm a control freak and i have a reputation to keep. i'm foreseeing losing all my weekends to the endeavor and suddenly i miss karl too much and i feel like stocking up on sniffies and quality time. aside from that, i know there's not much room to grow in the company, and i have a feeling that shifting to a&r or label division (and in a different company at that) is utterly hopeless or unmanageable due to lack of technical abilityand a lack of opportunity). and i'm sensing like marketing isn't really what i want to do. and i noticed that the industry isn't made for people who get married and have kids. so do i up and leave for the corporate world?
but then even my mum & dad who worked in a corporate setting still had to put in a lot of hours, not being able to come home when i wanted them to be home. my mum was only able to stop after 17 years of tireless working, and probably only because my dad was doing very well with work and investments and stuff. entrepreneurship IS the answer, but my business instincts are up my ass. sometimes i really want to have a stupid job like answering phones or run a business without thinking of profit like my mum who took up dressmaking and some beauty school units and didn't worry about sending us to school or giving us what we wanted every weekend. dad was there, and it was ok even if he was stingy. somehow i feel like i'm not banking on anything financially with karl the writer. he's made it clear that he's going to be the lazy one, and i can't stop him because it's his passion to write and he's good at it, and i love him. but i want to be lazy too! but i don't want my kids to feel deprived, or much worse, to worry about finances when only the parents ought to do that.
i want to feel like i've made it by going around in a car, but i feel like i'm never going to get the courage to drive. i don't want my kids' lungs polluted from the commute. maybe i'll arrive at the point when i can take a cab anytime, but then i don't even want to hassle them with fighting for a ride (think about hailing a taxi on christmas day). and even then, when i can stop commuting altogether, i worry about losing the only exercise i have at the stage when my metabolism is foreseen to come crashing down. i could very well start a fitness regimen, but then i'm too lazy (yes, we've established that several times now). i even worry about commuting in my old age. it's sad and thankless to be old (and possibly widowed) and i think the only consolation is to be treated like a dona. sometimes i even wish i'd die young (or at least first between a couple) but the guilt of leaving people to fend for themselves bothers me. so where did all the passion go? welcome to the grey waste!
Monday, June 20, 2005
the fete feat
i am proud to say that i survived fete, and more than that, i enjoyed it.
karl and i arrived at the scene 5 pm, and caught pinoy stories, kinetic daze, and a couple other bands at the alternative stage before grabbing some dinner at the podium. on the way out, i met aissa, and upon reaching the rock stage, found rica and enrico. the four of us hung out at the electronica stage for a while before they left us to have dinner themselves. finding a place of solace at a closed staircase, we were soon found out by my bosses and a handful (and exponentially growing group of people who wanted our little heaven), and soon enough we were off to racks to say hello to junior kilat. we eagerly got lost and had dessert with my sister and brian at burgoo. after a relaxed milkshake, we tried to find cos & cel who unfortunately left before we arrived at the alternative stage due to their baby emergency at home. we reentered podium to meet may, chuck, jobeth, jennie jo and ramon. we decided to listen to sheila and the insects inside the mall instead of braving the crowd outside. hale brought virtually everyone out of the mall, much to our bewilderment. we were just waiting for up dharma down to be next, but were instead greeted by the late isabel. always one to run away from work, we bid may farewell and headed to the jazz stage. passing by the world stage we heard junior kilat which furthered my resolve to try to lose my work on this special night. we found a spot in the jazz pub near the artists and technicians, and nearly nodded through quail quintent, mother earth (very good but hard to understand), wahijuara (better now than the first two times i saw them, very groovy in a 1960's/70's charlie's angels feel) and finally mischka adams (very, very good). her boyfriend ariz even sat/stood beside us to document her performance. i decide to buy her album for my dad for father's day, and the candid man graciously gave the cd to his favorite journalist (my karl, of course). we sat outside the pub listening to the brownbeat all stars at the world stage while waiting for my sister and brian to come out and go home.
yesterday was pretty good too. dad loved our gift, and we had good food all day - hotcakes, lunch at the old spaghetti house, chips & dip plus little chocolate cookies in the afternoon, and yellow cab pizza for dinner. much to my chagrin, my draining night out and subsequent late breakfast caused my tummy to turn the whole evening with a bout of masok hangin, as the indonesians would call it - literally around 6 pm, all the way till past 3 am today. but i'm better now, fully recovered and lazing through work... yet again...
karl and i arrived at the scene 5 pm, and caught pinoy stories, kinetic daze, and a couple other bands at the alternative stage before grabbing some dinner at the podium. on the way out, i met aissa, and upon reaching the rock stage, found rica and enrico. the four of us hung out at the electronica stage for a while before they left us to have dinner themselves. finding a place of solace at a closed staircase, we were soon found out by my bosses and a handful (and exponentially growing group of people who wanted our little heaven), and soon enough we were off to racks to say hello to junior kilat. we eagerly got lost and had dessert with my sister and brian at burgoo. after a relaxed milkshake, we tried to find cos & cel who unfortunately left before we arrived at the alternative stage due to their baby emergency at home. we reentered podium to meet may, chuck, jobeth, jennie jo and ramon. we decided to listen to sheila and the insects inside the mall instead of braving the crowd outside. hale brought virtually everyone out of the mall, much to our bewilderment. we were just waiting for up dharma down to be next, but were instead greeted by the late isabel. always one to run away from work, we bid may farewell and headed to the jazz stage. passing by the world stage we heard junior kilat which furthered my resolve to try to lose my work on this special night. we found a spot in the jazz pub near the artists and technicians, and nearly nodded through quail quintent, mother earth (very good but hard to understand), wahijuara (better now than the first two times i saw them, very groovy in a 1960's/70's charlie's angels feel) and finally mischka adams (very, very good). her boyfriend ariz even sat/stood beside us to document her performance. i decide to buy her album for my dad for father's day, and the candid man graciously gave the cd to his favorite journalist (my karl, of course). we sat outside the pub listening to the brownbeat all stars at the world stage while waiting for my sister and brian to come out and go home.
yesterday was pretty good too. dad loved our gift, and we had good food all day - hotcakes, lunch at the old spaghetti house, chips & dip plus little chocolate cookies in the afternoon, and yellow cab pizza for dinner. much to my chagrin, my draining night out and subsequent late breakfast caused my tummy to turn the whole evening with a bout of masok hangin, as the indonesians would call it - literally around 6 pm, all the way till past 3 am today. but i'm better now, fully recovered and lazing through work... yet again...
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
planless!
weekend plans fulfilled: shopping at the shoe expo in cubao during wawi's exhibit opening, more shopping at glorietta last sunday, plus dinner and coffee with the poochers, and an amazing day with karl yesterday. now i'm suddenly planless at work! I dunno if i love it or if i don't.
FROM MAY:
1. Total number of books I own: not a whole lot. 50's probably the highest they're at now.
2. The last book(s) I bought: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. It has a good section on publishing, and I guess I just wanted to know more about that. I haven't even read it, and the author hardly matters.
3. The last book I read: I'm in the middle of Peter Straub's 7 Tales and PlaneScapes Liber Benevolentiae. Egads, who knew Dungeons & Dragons was so hard, and I haven't even tried playing.
4. Five books that mean a lot to me: Clive Barker's Weaveworld - introduction to some of the best fantasy around; F. Sionil Jose's Ermita - literature in my language: straight Pinoy English, and a good history lesson; Neil Gaiman's The Sandman Series (or what I've read of it) - great mythology is one of my weaknesses; Karl's Damaged People - it's good if you remember bits & pieces but forget that it was actually written by the person you love the most; and Pramoedya Ananta Toer's the Buru quartet - there's really something about colonial literature, especially when you study in SHS and UP...
FROM MAY:
1. Total number of books I own: not a whole lot. 50's probably the highest they're at now.
2. The last book(s) I bought: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. It has a good section on publishing, and I guess I just wanted to know more about that. I haven't even read it, and the author hardly matters.
3. The last book I read: I'm in the middle of Peter Straub's 7 Tales and PlaneScapes Liber Benevolentiae. Egads, who knew Dungeons & Dragons was so hard, and I haven't even tried playing.
4. Five books that mean a lot to me: Clive Barker's Weaveworld - introduction to some of the best fantasy around; F. Sionil Jose's Ermita - literature in my language: straight Pinoy English, and a good history lesson; Neil Gaiman's The Sandman Series (or what I've read of it) - great mythology is one of my weaknesses; Karl's Damaged People - it's good if you remember bits & pieces but forget that it was actually written by the person you love the most; and Pramoedya Ananta Toer's the Buru quartet - there's really something about colonial literature, especially when you study in SHS and UP...
Friday, June 10, 2005
freedom!!!
Ah, June 12, what a date... freedom from oppression? freedom from imperial rule? nahh... it's really FREEDOM FROM WORK!!!!
EXCEPT THAT IT'S SUNDAY!
so, hooray for June 13, a special non-working holiday!
thank god, 'cause i'm excited to be out this weekend, with karl tomorrow and the poochers on sunday.
p.s. sin city is good, neil gaiman is coming and this blasted week is over. hooray!
EXCEPT THAT IT'S SUNDAY!
so, hooray for June 13, a special non-working holiday!
thank god, 'cause i'm excited to be out this weekend, with karl tomorrow and the poochers on sunday.
p.s. sin city is good, neil gaiman is coming and this blasted week is over. hooray!
Monday, June 06, 2005
back to old habits
things are winding down to normal speed - everyday grinding, little treats at the end of every week.
last thursday, karl came to the office to interview our "erotic vocal trio" (who don't exactly sing) for a bisexuality article. it's nice how i get to see him during weekdays, and even during office hours sometimes, and my bosses don't give a hoot. i met him after work at gateway to watch madagascar (cute, cute, cute penguins!), and i impulsively bought another music industry book (just for a good publishing section).
saturday saw me through another nerve fiber analysis test, and my eyes are stable, thankfully. so much for early doctors - the printer kept breaking down that it took up most of our morning. i spent the rest of the day with karl.
yesterday i heard mass at the mall and went around with my parents. i had another impulse buy - a royal blue skull cap from tyler. snazzy! a nice reward for all that hard-earned money. OT pay is so satisfying.
the next two saturdays have almost planned themselves out. wawi's exhibit is opening on the 11th, and fete de la musique is slated for the 18th. (i hope karl's up to it. if not i'm sure to find someone to tag along with. i was just hoping this one would be special - my first last year being disastrous, and all else before that, i was utterly left out.) sin city is still waiting to be seen.
what worries me is the fact that i am losing touch with my friends. it is an all too familiar phenomenon. girls are more likely to abandon the group when they get into relationships (especially loving, stable, legit ones), and i'm falling into old habits. i know we all understand our peers who are in-love, and we are happy for them, but it's still scary to fall out of the loop. of course when i decide to go back, they'll be there, that's why i call them friends. but i know that i lose some worth everytime i disappear into a loving relationship. and if i never get out of this one (and i hope i never do), i gotta have a plan to get myself back into my own circle. (karl seems to have the same dilemma i think.) rica, leo and jennie jo seem to have it down pat. i really miss my friends. it kinda hurts a bit when you see their blogs, even if they have happy stories. (and oh, what a beautiful blog rica has!) and what if they have no time to blog? worries me even more. tsk, why am i all words when it comes to resolving to go out with my friends? tsk, why am i sucker for convenience? is it true that there is just a kind of person na hindi pala-barkada? hm.
someone, please, invite me out! (ha, how passive-aggressive.)
last thursday, karl came to the office to interview our "erotic vocal trio" (who don't exactly sing) for a bisexuality article. it's nice how i get to see him during weekdays, and even during office hours sometimes, and my bosses don't give a hoot. i met him after work at gateway to watch madagascar (cute, cute, cute penguins!), and i impulsively bought another music industry book (just for a good publishing section).
saturday saw me through another nerve fiber analysis test, and my eyes are stable, thankfully. so much for early doctors - the printer kept breaking down that it took up most of our morning. i spent the rest of the day with karl.
yesterday i heard mass at the mall and went around with my parents. i had another impulse buy - a royal blue skull cap from tyler. snazzy! a nice reward for all that hard-earned money. OT pay is so satisfying.
the next two saturdays have almost planned themselves out. wawi's exhibit is opening on the 11th, and fete de la musique is slated for the 18th. (i hope karl's up to it. if not i'm sure to find someone to tag along with. i was just hoping this one would be special - my first last year being disastrous, and all else before that, i was utterly left out.) sin city is still waiting to be seen.
what worries me is the fact that i am losing touch with my friends. it is an all too familiar phenomenon. girls are more likely to abandon the group when they get into relationships (especially loving, stable, legit ones), and i'm falling into old habits. i know we all understand our peers who are in-love, and we are happy for them, but it's still scary to fall out of the loop. of course when i decide to go back, they'll be there, that's why i call them friends. but i know that i lose some worth everytime i disappear into a loving relationship. and if i never get out of this one (and i hope i never do), i gotta have a plan to get myself back into my own circle. (karl seems to have the same dilemma i think.) rica, leo and jennie jo seem to have it down pat. i really miss my friends. it kinda hurts a bit when you see their blogs, even if they have happy stories. (and oh, what a beautiful blog rica has!) and what if they have no time to blog? worries me even more. tsk, why am i all words when it comes to resolving to go out with my friends? tsk, why am i sucker for convenience? is it true that there is just a kind of person na hindi pala-barkada? hm.
someone, please, invite me out! (ha, how passive-aggressive.)
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