evolution

it's amazing how we end up where we are already...

how come all the average kids in high school end up in the mommy/daddy kind of jobs? you know, the kind that gives you money and stability, regular work hours in a place that has sound office policies and are located in the metro's CBD's. they end up as management trainees in the top companies, start trading or banking or something like that.. how come those who never did well in math become accountants, bankers, brokers? how come those who weren't keen on science end up as doctors, nurses, biologists? when did some of the most impatient learners start to understand macro and micro economics? and those kids who couldn't recite a poem or do enumeration tests - suddenly they remember all your body parts, all those chemicals, medicines, equations for getting roi's, blah blah blah!

they also probably wonder, how come the geeks are the ones who are now in the loop? whether showbiz mainstream or indie cool, those who you thought were the responsible ones (who knew about saving money, staying at home and keeping quiet) are in the volatile world of the literature, journalism, music, film and television. they're the in crowd now.

imagine my surprise when i met joanne kong, who, since nursery, has always been a mischievous kind, and fun-loving. the kind who attends all the dances and actually dances, and does it well too. she had complete notes in math before but would sometimes ask me to remember how one equation or the other, worked. four years after, at that instance, she had just started with san miguel, doing some money-related stuff. and i, I just came from an interview with viva video!!! it's amazing who ends up in show business.

quite amazing too, who develop go-getter streaks, like my ex miko. i always thought he was merely diligent, and had to be, in order to get acceptable grades. but no!!!! now he's been an intern for a month in a financial bank and wants to start trading NOW. as in right NOW. and it's not even for school. it's just to learn. just to get ahead. (i also had to make him explain what a financial bank is, and thankfully i got the gist of it in 10 minutes on ym - proof of my a-student self, if i may say so myself.)

it's funny who want to get ahead, and those who start to care about a planned-out future, who actually throw caution to the wind and care about having a good time. it's funny how what we think is important changes... or does it? are we just going back to who we really are, and our high school selves were just weird manifestations of our core? after all, seems to me those who have a kaladkarin streak are still the same people.

profile schmrofile

i've been looking at one too many friendster profiles. and i'm actually jealous that mine's quite stagnant. i haven't posted a new photo since last summer, and i haven't really updated any of the fields. granted, i don't really believe in posting anything in the "about me" section, and i always go for all-time favorites rather than current loves, so no one really finds out about me raving about new local music, or reading a good novel (though i really must include clive barker's imajica in my favorite books). and i just hate that i haven't had my photo taken in a really long time despite the abundance of nights out. and i couldn't even take photos during my last trip (to cebu, with karl). i have photos of bands and people i've met instead of me in my fabulous clothes with my fabulous friends and boyfriend. i haven't worn my bikini since october. i'm kinda bitter that my friends are too type B to plan, and my family, my boyfriend and I are all too type A to leave work. and when we actually decide to have fun during the weekend, it seems quite rude to stop every so often to pose for a photo. after all, we SHOULD be having fun, listening to each other and enjoying each other's company rather than posing. it's like having sex with a mirror around - sometimes you end up watching yourself and/or your partner more than you're making love. and that's pretty rude. so that's my beef about lugging a camera around. sometimes it's an activity in itself with certain groups - like the pizza poochers, but aside from that, i think i'm in the i-don't-want-to-worry-about-the-camera camp. which makes me wonder why i have inclinations to become a photographer. hence putting "photographs" instead of "photography" in my friendster profile list of hobbies and interests. i love a good photograph, but i won't break my back trying to take it. but i must admit, i'm always envious of good photographers, like "damn, why am i not that GOOD?!?!" but shit man, i can't expect to be good if more than a month passes by without me handling a camera. (the last time was feb.26 at the terno au go go).

i'm also losing that "kaladkarin" streak i so proudly gained in my last two years in college. unfortunately, i'm starting to turn down weekday invitations that'll keep me out beyond 11PM. it's only prudent - sad, but true. aaaaccccckk!!! there goes the dream of going to roadtrips with the poochers when we're 40! why, why, why can't we just settle on one friday evening and getaway to the zulueta bukid till sunday morning?!?! (or any other nearby resort for that matter. one weekday night isn't feasible for me anymore, and frankly, hindi sulit!) please, let's do this!!! i just want a goddamn weekend. well actually, to all willing holy girls, let's try this too! of course, one of you will have to drive. shucks - i do believe none of our parents will accede to a group of girls driving all the way to a resort. except maybe tita nell. damn, she's a cool mom!
not to mention that i want a new zimmerman suit (and an occasion to wear it) for the summer. it's bad enough that everyone else has bounce-quarters-off-them-abs abs, i don't want them to say my mauve bikini's fading!

gahd, all that rambling just because of a friendster profile. this internet networking bit is getting SO out of hand, really. we all just want to brag about fabulous lives or induce pity (for the terminally depressed and proud of it). not that i don't subscribe to it. you gotta admit though, this IS a pretty fabulous blog, despite the lack of photos.

weekend welcome

I had a good weekend welcome last friday: 30 minutes shaved off the workday - so either i go home at 6PM (which i prefer), or i can arrive at 8:30 AM. i was so surprised when i exited the building and with sunset still at hand. it was all good - more time with karl, with my girls, and to shop. the much awaited increase has also arrived, though i have yet to see it made retroactive. and i have yet to receive an id for the health insurance.

after an early dinner (oddly enough at shakeys, trying to escape high prices at bellini's, and ending up with the same bill and not too stellar pizza, plus needing to order again for dessert at bellini's), karl and i headed to the corner ukay-ukay where i bought black boots for 300 bucks. not as shiny as my first choice, but what could i do?

at marikina shoe expo, karl was quite the pop kid - he knew at least one person from vintage pop, datelines and future prospects, plus peach's new winery/av production outfit. i think he should make friends with the italian paparazzi at bellini's and their harassed waiter. and their blind guitarist/vocalist.

we headed to bigskymind to watch bagetsafonik, narda, the enemy of the enemy, pedicab and boldstar. well we didn't actually watch, we just listened upstairs. i really liked boldstar. it was quite dizzying having so many people around - may, jjo, berns, val, rica, ramon, katwo, ceebee, hank, then to be introduced to a budding make-up artist joan and designer kate torralba - i'm just not used to it. always, always, it's better to pull one aside and talk intimately.

after all that spending, karl and i decided to just hang out at home the next day. everyone disappeared for a while, but sadly kiara and rein came back and couldn't stay away from the pc just to make those goddamn playlists. we tried watching spanglish, which was turning out to be really funny with good actors, but then our copy was fucked and we couldn't finish it. at least we were still able to have our cheap thrills.

i broke under pressure yesterday when i was faced with gorgeous pinstriped cuffed and tabbed puruntong from topshop which i just had to buy. i even wanted a frikkin' zimmerman suit, but that's just out of the question. i decided to forgo the long overdue facial, especially since my sister asked for my payment for our havaianas. how the hell did i get dragged into this?!?! i couldn't have sworn i swore not to buy them designer flipflops!

oh woe is me, there goes the salary increase!

karlcaine

i never thought i'd be a junkie because heroin is so passe!!!

i wonder if my friends are in love too. i kinda smell it in the blogs. titles like "on the wings of love" and "smile like you mean it!" shucks, i need some updates here! hehehehe...

shopping mishaps and consolation prizes

karl asked me last week: "would the average girl prefer to shop for shoes or have sex?" taking into consideration the numerous occasions when may and i have had the "sex is overrated" conversation, i chose the first option.

last friday, on the way back to the office from a radio station, i found perfect black pointy midcalf flat boots for 280 pesos at the highway ukay-ukay. i left to consider them, out of (extreme) prudence since i couldn't see my legs very well in the mirror. after consulting with my sister over the phone, we agreed on going back together the next day before they left me to spend the rest of the day and night with karl. much to my dismay, the boots were sold that evening, leaving me empty-handed before i went to meet karl.

no bother, the rest of saturday went extremely well. i comfort my inner sourpuss with the thought of new arrivals this coming thursday, and maybe old checkerboard keds. very fast times at ridgemont high.

to further comfort my sorry-ass shopping skills, i bought wooden bead bracelets and elbowed my mum into purchasing a white dress that all of us could share. oh, but it's mine! mine! MINE!!!

mind working overtime

it's friday and i'm set to go home alone tonight. my parents surprisingly have a dinner to go to, and i hope my sisters are all out as well. hey, if i'm going to have to take a trike home, i might as well be rewarded with an empty house. i hope our helper prepares a good dinner though.

it's friday and i wish it were tomorrow already. i hope today goes well, calls and visits. it's weird how sometimes i worry so much about doing things right, thinking it's the drive to excel, but at the end of the day, i really just want to escape it unscathed, no embarassments, nothing too damn hard to think about for the next day. it's funny how i dream big and yet sometimes it all boils down to wanting to let go of responsibility. and that's just impossible. what the hell am i worrying about anyway?! i'm not bumming around, i'm not getting negative feedback, and yet i want to do more, be more - or something else entirely. as deng said, sometimes we really just burst our own bubbles of joy. (i think ais and i have the same problem nowadays)

you know what, i think it's the damn friendster horoscopes. can't help but click on them, read 'em and think, hmm, how's that going to fit in today? this is why i enjoy reading expired ones more.

laziness strikes again

i don't know if this is getting out of hand, but the dissatisfaction and the uncertainty of things is kinda getting to me. and funnily enough, it affects me by being unmotivated.

i wonder so much if i'm in the right place. i keep on asking if this is what i want to do and if i want to improve on how i do things. because if this is truly what i want to do, then why am i not willing to push myself? is it the people? is it the fact that i feel that i won't be rewarded?

actually, i can't really explain how i feel about my job. i love being in the loop and i'm excited when i have good music to sell, but the kiss-up/connection/money talks scene really ticks me off. it's difficult to be on the groveling end of the deal. and it's tough to always have to exhaust every possible contact and idea to get the music out.

it really makes me jealous of other people:

• kiara, who seems to have gotten a fair amount of independence, respect, and financial reward in her company. but for the life of me, i can't do sales.
• lana, who, brings a powerful name when making deals since she's with SM supermarket. what mr. sy wants, mr. sy gets. but the strictness and the cut-and-dried aspect of the workplace might not suit me.
• my poocher friends who are in freelance production and get a lot of action and all their money. i do miss it, but maybe only because i used to like my crew in school. but i hate long hours and having to answer my parents what time i'll be home.
• entrepreneurs like ais, deng and chely who do things in their own time and keep their own money. but i dunno where my business instincts are, maybe stuck up my ass.
• students like ia and binky who have grades to know whether they're doing good and semesters to keep their sense of time and progress, and a little time for other things too. i was really good at that. but i need some money. i can't be indebted to my parents any more than this.
• freelancers like karl and sir reev. but without the regular project and paycheck, i'd probably be dead.
• people who have menial jobs with low expectations. i would love to know that i'm doing fine flipping the burgers and that it's all they want from me.

so what can i do? sometimes i wish i'd have a charmed life and not worry about what i make of myself and where to get money. yes, yes. if a man asks me to quit my job for family life, i probably would. where is my pride? well, i don't know. right now i just want to be comfortable. but it doesn't matter because i never seem to attract any of the moneybank-types anyway. it's just as well, too, because i really, really love karl.

i miss him too.

as normal as it gets

the weekend was pretty normal. karl and i watched be cool last friday. we ran into mark and karen at the theatre. the movie was very funny, especially the program director joke. i can really dig that. after dinner, i looked around mango and rustan's at gateway before heading home.

i shopped with my family last saturday. i bought a little something for karl (which he has yet to receive) and little short shorts for me. or well, for karl too. they brought me to UP village for the anino mobile launch, where i met up with karl. luna and karina were there too. it was a hell of a geekoid party, so we just went home and watched resident evil apocalypse on dvd. karl went home before i had dinner.

my family and i went shopping again yesterday, this time at metrowalk. there's nothing much there to see, but we were able to score a nice chanel-type tweed jacket. oh, and there's that adult sex shop to see of course. we went home after lunch and bought ice cream. my friends came over after a nearby baptismal party. i heard mass, exercised a bit (to no avail) watched tv, got a pedicure, ordered pizza, read a bit before retiring for the day.

pretty normal.

what sucks, i guess, is that it already comes with the normal dread for the week a-coming.

P.S. john paull ii is finally dead. finally. not that i was rushing. he just seems so tired. so anyway, it's going to be the first conclave of my conscious life. wonder if there'll be any scandals, etc., like in angels and demons. hmm, i hope not.