enterprise is not one of my virtues, part 2

it dawned upon me that i am scared shit of hard work and hard times, even if i know that i can tough it out. languor and complacency, these are my traits. i look forward to an easy life, though i dread the dog-eat-dog world i must enter to achieve it. even then, i think, when will the relatively relaxed trudging for meager pay end?

these thoughts came to mind because of yesterday's meeting with the general manager. here's the plan: better product, better promotion. stock up on saleable foreign material, drop prices of non-moving stocks immediately. more OPM signing, more budget for promo. less overhead expenses, less investment in production by cutting down songs. (huh, wait. that last one doesn't make sense. we'll be an ep-machine in no time.)

this should make me a bit happier, since i can ask for money to, say, bring cebuanos junior kilat to manila. but wait... will I do the whole bar tour? while doing tv and radio rounds? and the mall tours? uh-uh! it scares me shit that i'll have a lot to do because they're willing to spend on promotion. it scares me shit that they'll make me schmooze, take people out, and all that crap. i actually prefer doing the events rather than doing regular tv/radio rounds. but it's all a trade-off. if i focus solely on events, where do i get the power to get media sponsors? and how, by god, HOW, do you twist advertisers' arms into helping you out?! and when all of this is set, i'll be the perpetually-agit-events-girl who's sort of an insomniac and goes to all the damn events, which doesn't really work either since i'm kind of a homebody too.

have i just not found what i love doing? i guess i am a label/a&r girl at heart. but even looking for things to invest in - foreign releases to bring in and local talent to develop - they seem to be a daunting task.

do i have to marry a rich man and become a moneyed housewife with one of those little ventures? will i be satisfied with myself if i don't have financial independence? why am i such a coward?