laziness strikes again

i don't know if this is getting out of hand, but the dissatisfaction and the uncertainty of things is kinda getting to me. and funnily enough, it affects me by being unmotivated.

i wonder so much if i'm in the right place. i keep on asking if this is what i want to do and if i want to improve on how i do things. because if this is truly what i want to do, then why am i not willing to push myself? is it the people? is it the fact that i feel that i won't be rewarded?

actually, i can't really explain how i feel about my job. i love being in the loop and i'm excited when i have good music to sell, but the kiss-up/connection/money talks scene really ticks me off. it's difficult to be on the groveling end of the deal. and it's tough to always have to exhaust every possible contact and idea to get the music out.

it really makes me jealous of other people:

• kiara, who seems to have gotten a fair amount of independence, respect, and financial reward in her company. but for the life of me, i can't do sales.
• lana, who, brings a powerful name when making deals since she's with SM supermarket. what mr. sy wants, mr. sy gets. but the strictness and the cut-and-dried aspect of the workplace might not suit me.
• my poocher friends who are in freelance production and get a lot of action and all their money. i do miss it, but maybe only because i used to like my crew in school. but i hate long hours and having to answer my parents what time i'll be home.
• entrepreneurs like ais, deng and chely who do things in their own time and keep their own money. but i dunno where my business instincts are, maybe stuck up my ass.
• students like ia and binky who have grades to know whether they're doing good and semesters to keep their sense of time and progress, and a little time for other things too. i was really good at that. but i need some money. i can't be indebted to my parents any more than this.
• freelancers like karl and sir reev. but without the regular project and paycheck, i'd probably be dead.
• people who have menial jobs with low expectations. i would love to know that i'm doing fine flipping the burgers and that it's all they want from me.

so what can i do? sometimes i wish i'd have a charmed life and not worry about what i make of myself and where to get money. yes, yes. if a man asks me to quit my job for family life, i probably would. where is my pride? well, i don't know. right now i just want to be comfortable. but it doesn't matter because i never seem to attract any of the moneybank-types anyway. it's just as well, too, because i really, really love karl.

i miss him too.