identities

thoughts provoked by:
a) anne's butterfly tendencies
b) karl's friend's john's reevaluation of career challenges
c) kiara's promotion in the insurance sales industry

i have a nagging feeling that i stunt myself because i think (or know) that i am a truly private person. i don't think that this opinion of myself can be contested anymore. though many find me personable or pleasant, the truth is that it is very superficial and i only truly become fond of very few people. i have this theory that we really go back to who we really are in high school or even kidergarten, and the shy girl then would now like to remain a hermit (or a snob).

this is troublesome for one who grew up with high expectations for personal achievement that is undeniably aided by social skills and wide or continuously widening horizons. that is today's game - asking for favors, giving favors, calling on old debts. unfortunately, i am still in the first position, and not in any other. i feel like i have little bargaining power, and, in the vernacular, hindi ako epal to just keep on asking. why am i too proud to grovel? why can't i prod people to do what i want? why don't i find people interesting enough to make friends with them? why is an empty hotel room the best comfort during business trips? why do new places lack lustre if i'm not there on holiday?

i feel like there must be some adjustments to be made to who i think i really am, reluctant as i may be. any suggestions?