we all struggle with our own self-image, and we embody both what we love and what we loathe. and we live with it: our weight, skin, hair, ethnicity, personality, and our character. and we nurture it. some may starve, others might be bloated by now. after 21 years of it, i have finally come to believe that i am attractive. and to believe it is to exude it. i've almost proven it to myself. until i realize: i don't actually attract people to me.
after working my ass off to be a little slimmer, slimmer just doesn't cut it anymore. everyone's slim now. everyone dresses well. and the fact that i'm a tad bit more glamorous and original (flamboyant or ostentatious, even) is something that is way beyond men. and it's a lie that dusky features are making a comeback. trust me, the fair chinese/mestiza girls still have it. to top it all off, miko said it's quite nice to have a girl who's kikay and innocent - and he said that clearly i'm not the latter. i don't prattle. i speak when i have something worth hearing. i keep quiet and then i come on too strong. and i know too much. even to men who have more sophisticated taste, i am wanting. i end up too naive, too conservative, too sheltered and safe. sometimes maybe even too down-to-earth. too bitchy for the nice guys, too nice for the jerks.
and this all puts me back in the never-ending struggle for self-improvement. to make a habit of taking care of myself is something that i must learn, and that the revelation of my persona is an art to master. (*shock*horror*gasp* am i a non-leveler?!?!)
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
self-image issues
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amen! yona and i were just talking about "pakipot" and "demure" girls the other night. he said that a lot of guys like it and that the degree varies, too.
you're gorgeous (i know a lot of people who think so), smart and you're not afraid to show it. i guess that intimidates people. i suppose men are threatened by those qualities and women view you as competition. great combination, eh?
too bad it's a lie that there are guys who love assertive and even aggressive women (apart from the S&M types).
i've long accepted the fact that no matter what i do, i'm never going to naturally draw people to me. time won't stop whenever i enter a room and people are never going to go out of their way just to talk to me. i tried the demure, cutesy-pie approach once and it was dead on arrival. i just couldn't keep my mouth shut and i think i came across as a stuttering fool.
sure, i know that it's always best just to be yourself. too bad no one else knows it and that it's also a lie that guys and girls alike prefer people who "are comfortable with who they truly are" and that personality is what attracts them rather than looks. bullshit!
after considering these things, i have come to the conclusion that people are not worth changing yourself for. yeah, it's always nice to get compliments and have someone attracted to you, but the reward is hardly ever worth the effort. well, at least that's been the case for me so far. i hope you have better luck. if not, we can always be lesbian lovers! haha!
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