mayonaise

"i just want to be me.. and when i can, i will" - mayonaise by the smashing pumpkins i wonder if i really have changed since i was in high school. in my opinion, that was the time i started discovering who i was. you see, i was kind of a sullen girl, dissatisfied and moping around with rica, anne and may. since we were the artsy-farts, we were either at the forefront (of school achievements) or were relegated to the back (of parties). may and anne were anglophiles (read: witty or kickass britpop), darias who shunned being in the social mainstream (even if the school wanted them to). i was jane - daria's best friend who had pop tendencies in taste and social status. rica was, well, accepted as a real bohemian gal from quite a bohemian family (writer mum and all). she and i were more glum. we liked things romantic (read: goth) and soulful (read: jazz). at some point, maybe you could say i sold out. after all, it's not exactly fashionable to be angsty past 17. i mean, get over yourself, right? the thing is, i grew out of it first, but i fell out of that bohemian circuit that my friends were able to stay in when at last we all had amiable dispositions. i keep wondering if it's a good thing or a bad thing to have moved so far away from what i originally liked. everybody evolved, of course, but was i different now that i was comfortable with my body and learned to dance to hiphop or pop, groove to sunny tunes and find no fault in leanne rimes? all of us have learned to be open-minded, tolerant, forgiving, and lighthearted too. but i fell out of the circuit! i knew less and less about any underground culture while my friends participated in it. and it's not as if i have an edge for knowing pop culture because pop culture makes itself readily available and simple enough for anyone to absorb in an instant. i had more fun, maybe, hanging out with a more laid-back crowd. not that they don't have their own wisdom. in fact, they taught me the beauty of simplicity and faith. but i feel like i wasted so much time that i could have used to have a good history lesson in music and art, and to keep updating that knowledge. my friends and i have this theory that you will forever be attracted to music and art that you held dear when you were a teenage mope. for me, that would be something romantic-gothic. but am i too happy now? my new friend karl is exposing me again to stuff like that now, and i am relieved that i still appreciate a lot of it. i see the beauty, but can i still relate to it? more digging is necessary. writer that he is, i remember too that writing is the skill that i was banking on when i finished high school. instead, i found myself more concerned with skills in marketing and presentation. i almost totally abandoned reading and writing for myself. i didn't push myself when i wrote for class either. i blame it on happiness of course. it's not as effective a muse as angst. but was i always that shallow - caring only about presentation, about being part of the mainstream, about being recognized? it now appears to me that my achievements are actually half-baked - I exerted only what was needed for me to be rewarded. this holds true all everything i'm known for - the honor student, the writer, the artsy-fart, the liberal. what am i really? now, as the adprom, i realize that even with the potential and the facility for marketing activities, i am still uncomfortable schmoozing (seemingly a major marketing activity). so now i want to get back to writing, starting here, in my blog/practice space. sir reev was telling me a while ago that difficult decisions have to be made for your life to move forward and for God to grant you your desires. though i still have no idea what i actually want deep down, i hope i'm on the right track making a career out of schmoozing, and that He will make me happy in Him, whoever I am inside - goth writer or not.