it's weird how these things suddenly creep up on you. i thought the nightly casual conversation with karl could chase away my blues but then even that didn't work. it's bad enough to entertain thoughts like i'm pinning my happiness on karl, but upon admitting it to him, he has to be perceptive enough to bring forth a host of more disturbing ideas... difficult ones.
what i stammered and cried about through around half an hour turned out to be something like being scared of choosing a life that won't reap me the benefits i'm used to having (the car, the free time, etc.). plus of course, not really know what kind of life i really want to lead. and it's scary because i can't really acknowledge or say for sure that i'm strong enough to make the right and/or difficult choice (is the difficult choice the right one, even?). if i eventually succumb to going through life the same way my parents did, will i delude myself for the rest of my life that it was actually the right/difficult choice? after all, whatever i choose, it speaks volumes about what i value - fulfillment or family, selflessness or vanity, weight or lightness. and i don't even know how to achieve it.
who thinks about these things? who even has time? how could i possibly entertain all these thoughts if i'm at work 1/3 of the day and asleep for another third, and the rest should be bothered with commute, maintenance and other leisure activities i almost refuse to give up? but it is a cause we all have to take up for ourselves. as billy corgan said, 17 seconds is all you really need.
17 seconds of compassion
17 seconds of peace
17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created
17 seconds to remember that all is good
17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain
17 seconds of faith
17 seconds to trust you again
17 seconds of radiance
17 seconds to send up a prayer
17 seconds is all you really need
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1 comment:
that's funny. i had that very same discussion with a friend of mine (what the hell, sige na nga, "quasi-boyfriend" uuuyyy...) last night. we both ranted about various things and this is what we came up with:
1. car - neither of us drive. both of us would really, really like to have either a ducati bike or a porsche 911/dodge viper (me) pontiac gto/shelby cobra (him). still, our limbs are complete, we're smart enough to commute in different places/countries and we have enough change in our pockets to be able to go home every night so we still consider ourselves lucky.
2. the moneymaking job - this sucks. i was a film major who had wayyy too many interests in high school and only decided to go to a certain school because a) it's U.P. c'mon and b) because you guys are there. he works for his family's small biz and his entire family's composed of (ready??) missionaries (priceless!!!). neither of us want to work real jobs (we're lazy, too). still, we're able to buy the little things that help us pass the time (boredom is the ultimate luxury and the ultimate annoyance, after all), we work our mindless, boring mcjobs and earn just enough in order to a) be able to quit at will and b) travel. i've long ceased to believe that a career is something to be loved. it's just money, plain and simple. i've stopped feeling inferior when people tell me about their "wonderful college course-related careers" while i slave away at my 0% I.Q. job. i'm not working to have an admirable "career" that others would simply die for. i'm working to make money because money = shopping/being able to pay my bills = happiness. yes, i'm a simple-minded whore for cash. i've learned to live happily with it. there's no shame in admitting it.
3. keeping up with the parents - salaries just aren't what they used to be. it's not your fault.
4. entrepreneurship - shit, i suck at this, too. i have loads of good ideas and i can make stuff, but i don't have the heart to charge people for stuff. ummm, that's a plus, right? ^_^
5. family - the fact that you're thinking about having a family is in itself quite praiseworthy. i think that once you do have a family already, you'll find the clarity of mind and the strength get what your loved ones need. you might think that you and karl are lazy now, but i think once you have someone else to live for, you'll find various ways to earn enough to make your kids healthy and happy. you're lucky you're able to think that way. i want to have a kid because i want to have a smarter, better version of me. selfish...
6. beauty/fitness - you might complain about not having enough time to maintain your appearance or being too lazy to do so, but you really don't have to. you're beautiful enough as it is and you have the confidence and self-esteem to accept/acknowledge that you are beautiful. most people don't (have the beauty and/or the self-esteem).
cheer up, tanya!
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