the grey waste

it's one (or two or three...) of them sad days when things seem worse than they are and i don't really want to do anything about it. maybe it's reading about the grey waste in the dungeons & dragons player's guide. that's the place where despair is the only emotion left, and all the others get sucked out of you into obelisks called the lodestones of misery. some of those who stay there are actually those whose passion to leave got drained out eventually.

so anyway, i'm arranging a whole mall tour with 7 dates all by myself and i'm lazy and i know i'm going to slave over it without much support from management so i'm thinking 'why bother?'. the answer is just because i'm a control freak and i have a reputation to keep. i'm foreseeing losing all my weekends to the endeavor and suddenly i miss karl too much and i feel like stocking up on sniffies and quality time. aside from that, i know there's not much room to grow in the company, and i have a feeling that shifting to a&r or label division (and in a different company at that) is utterly hopeless or unmanageable due to lack of technical abilityand a lack of opportunity). and i'm sensing like marketing isn't really what i want to do. and i noticed that the industry isn't made for people who get married and have kids. so do i up and leave for the corporate world?

but then even my mum & dad who worked in a corporate setting still had to put in a lot of hours, not being able to come home when i wanted them to be home. my mum was only able to stop after 17 years of tireless working, and probably only because my dad was doing very well with work and investments and stuff. entrepreneurship IS the answer, but my business instincts are up my ass. sometimes i really want to have a stupid job like answering phones or run a business without thinking of profit like my mum who took up dressmaking and some beauty school units and didn't worry about sending us to school or giving us what we wanted every weekend. dad was there, and it was ok even if he was stingy. somehow i feel like i'm not banking on anything financially with karl the writer. he's made it clear that he's going to be the lazy one, and i can't stop him because it's his passion to write and he's good at it, and i love him. but i want to be lazy too! but i don't want my kids to feel deprived, or much worse, to worry about finances when only the parents ought to do that.

i want to feel like i've made it by going around in a car, but i feel like i'm never going to get the courage to drive. i don't want my kids' lungs polluted from the commute. maybe i'll arrive at the point when i can take a cab anytime, but then i don't even want to hassle them with fighting for a ride (think about hailing a taxi on christmas day). and even then, when i can stop commuting altogether, i worry about losing the only exercise i have at the stage when my metabolism is foreseen to come crashing down. i could very well start a fitness regimen, but then i'm too lazy (yes, we've established that several times now). i even worry about commuting in my old age. it's sad and thankless to be old (and possibly widowed) and i think the only consolation is to be treated like a dona. sometimes i even wish i'd die young (or at least first between a couple) but the guilt of leaving people to fend for themselves bothers me. so where did all the passion go? welcome to the grey waste!