back issues

after a doleful closing of my nightly talk with karl, i decided to spend this morning reading old e-mails. there are other precursors to this: anne's daily surprise at my attitude & disposition, binky's threat that i will go the way of her panicky roomie.

among the e-mails i found was one i sent to anne when i had just started working. i was gushing about meeting karl, about shooting chuck's film with him, may, jjo & yona, about not getting what you want but being happy with other unexpected blessings that arrive, about having enough energy the whole weekend for a shoot.

when once friday night could be for karl, saturday for the poochers or my holy girls alternately, and sunday for my family, now i find my parents driving me to nearby provinces for mall shows, karl in tow. nevermind shooting a film, or roadtripping with leo & the gang. i wish i could feel thankful again, and in control. i know it's still dues-paying time, but i wish i were paying dues to more deserving role models and with more rewarding results. the feeling of entitlement returns. i sincerely ask you: CAN YOU BLAME ME? i dunno... i think i ask for little - a car to the province, and some back up because i want my weekends back!

it sucks how much i've changed. or maybe how circumstances changed me. so much so that after such a brief period, i feel that heartbreaking line from sugarfre: "o kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay." gahd, how much more for my sisters, my parents...

now i have to change something... myself? well yes. circumstances? karl definitely thinks so. now, for the courage to do it...