an exercise in honesty

no, it's not that i've been lying, it's just that i haven't been writing down anything that's revealing. i think it's been quite a while since i actually said/wrote something intimate. yeah, i know, because it's a blog. but even ais alerted me to this habit one time when i was relaying a story about seeing an ex, and she said, "okay, but how did you feel about it?" aye, there's the rub.

even just reading shampoo planet and thinking to myself how unnatural it is for characters to wonder how the earth keeps its atmosphere in order for us to breath oxygen, nitrogen and argon is a bad sign. because people do think like that. i think it's me that's sort of shut out the weird ideas that used to pop up often in my head.

so lemme start small. here's what i think about christmas.

christmas, as my boss said, was corny. it's my second year in the work force, and just like all fastfood employees who have to do the mascot bit, every employee is deemed to be santa claus during christmas. i'm sort of getting used to it. there are no more serious attacks of consumerism, as i know there are only 3 sure things to look forward to: the parents' gift (always cash anyhow), the sisters' gifts, the boyfriend's gift.

what has been a pleasant surprise, though, is my luck at the office party and the design school party, where i won enough cash to pay for gifts and splurges and a fashion ruler that i have no use for as of the moment. it's funny how i'm greedy that way. imagine, telling rene salud, that yes, i do want to win best caribbean outfit for the night and receiving a prize other students already need. to me it was only the prestige of being the best dressed in a fashion school, and there is no pride or prestige in just telling the judge "hey make me win" and she does, no questions asked. i have also peddled myself as a host because the office has been generous with fees. there's even a bonus.

so whatever, that didn't move me much. goes to show how gifts surprisingly didn't matter this year. the one item that did make me very happy, is the nightmare before christmas dvd that my mum sent for from the US. i watched it on christmas eve before noche buena and singing to it is very amusing and satisfying.

speaking of christmas eve, that was the best part of the holiday. i spent the whole day with karl, and that's all i ever want from him really. when i arrived home, the newlyweds were there tending to the meal. my sister cooked lasagna (very yummy) and bought cello's donuts, and lent us their new china. kiara really knows how to make meals special. i remember when i was around 12 years old she cooked easter breakfast for us, and it was really special too. we had cheese sandwiches made with french toast and the table was set perfectly just like last week.

so to me it's funny and corny and weird that all the things that used to matter are now in the background, and everything i used to say "bah, humbug" to is really nice. i'm left with the feeling, however, that christmas was missing something. but what more could i want when everything's here?